Raymond's COVID Update: 10/22/20

Good morning family and friends. Thank you for all your love and support during this incredibly challenging dance with Covid in which Raymond is currently engaged

After a scary 48 hours, Raymond’s temperature is normal and has been for several hours. Consequently he is feeling much better and is more coherent.

After much research by my Soulsister,

Lynette Setzkorn

, and a little help from my niece

Reeanna Stafford

, we settled on a nanny cam I downloaded from the App Store. What a blessing! I am able to have eyes on and conversation with him more easily.

He is sleeping a lot due to the fatigue. I, too, was able to sleep and feel better this morning. Thank you for your prayer, Love and support. Keep it coming, please. Thank you to my Soulsisters and Soulbrothers that are holding healing, meditation and drumming circles for him, for us. I ask that you hold the vision of Raymond as his whole, beautiful healthy self.

Cory and I hope to get our test results today. We continue to be symptom free.

Please please please be safe. This disease is no joke and no hoax. It is life changing.My hear is full this morning and filled with hope.

Raymond's COVID Update: 10/21/2020

Raymond went to the ER in the wee hours of the morning after having trouble breathing, high temp, and low oxygen levels. He has viral pneumonia -COVID 19. He is on oxygen and medication and is back home. We thank you for continuing to hold him, us in your hearts with Love.

Good morning family and friends. Wanted to let you know that Raymond is starting his 10th day of isolation since the onset of COVID symptoms. We humbly ask for your prayers and support. He is doing as well as can be expected. Once he is symptom free he must still isolate for 10 days!

Cory and I tested yesterday. Results take 3-5 days. We are symptom free at this time.

The virus is surging. Be safe. Thanking you in advance.

El Paso Shooting and Memorial Visit

Update: On this anniversary of the Walmart shooting, I thought I would reprise what I wrote last year.

This post has been percolating in my consciousness since August 3 when the El Paso shooting occurred. As a spiritual woman I see my role as one who promotes, holds space for and encourages change through non-violence and Love.

In the days after the shooting I wrote this:

I vowed I would no longer post political things on Facebook. I vowed I would try to minimize my exposure to the hate and vitriol that is spewing in this country. I vowed I would hold space in my heart and in my mind to anchor in more Love and to create a space for change. And yet here I am. I must give voice to this tragedy that has befallen our community. While I do not live in El Paso it is 30 minutes down the road. I have sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins and friends that live in El Paso. 

On Saturday, August 3, 2019, there were frantic text messages as roll call occurred to make sure our loved ones were safe. Some were in lockdown in other stores or restaurants nearby. One was in the bathroom of Walmart grateful she didn’t have her children with her yet I know traumatized forever.

My husband, a retired Navy captain, came to me with tears in his eyes after watching our niece Stephanie Valencia on CNN speak in the aftermath of the tragedy. He said the pain in her eyes haunted him and then he said “I am a retired Navy Captain. I served my country for 26 years. I was the Captain of a warship in the Persian Gulf and I no longer feel ‘at ease’ in my community. I feel as though I have a target on my back.  It feels unsafe to be brown in this country.”

I am here not to spew and add more hate to the dialogue but to speak to a higher purpose. I believe at this point this goes beyond political affiliation or ethnicity or religious affiliation but speaks to the very core of who we are and who we choose to be as humans, as souls having a human experience. It is a time for searching our souls. And no one can do that for us. It is a soul-searching that each one of us must undertake. No government entity, no group can do this for us. It is a personal process between you and your Creator.

We must search our conscience and then act from that place of alignment with the Divine that resides within each and every one of us. It is only in this way of individual responsibility that we become united in the wholeness of what is possible.

THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

Death

Saint John of the Cross introduced us to the Dark Night of the Soul in his now famous poem. Through his work we have come to understand the Dark Night of the Soul as a spiritual crisis on the road to unity with The Divine.

The key is to not be afraid of the dark. We are so afraid of the dark “negative” emotions. We wish to be Joy and Light all the time which is great but not realistic as a human. For humanity by its very definition is an expression of at least five senses; touch, smell, sense, hearing, and taste. And as humans we will be asked to feel everything at one time or another in our life.

If I can impart anything to you it is to not be afraid of the dark. Embrace it. Welcome it as you would a friend in need and LISTEN.

Listen with all your heart. Pull all your tools out of your tool belt for it will require that.

A dark night of the soul is formidable if we believe that it is stronger than the Divinity that resides within us. But my experience is that when I surrender and trust Great Spirit, the Creator to have my back as I allow the darkness to wash over me, I am reborn. I come through to the other side. It is the struggle to deny the dark night of the soul that creates the existential crisis.

It would be disingenuous of me to sit here and portray to you this image of a woman happily drumming her drum, filled with Joy and Light all the time. While this is a true aspect of me there is also the me that can be triggered by a smell, a sound, or something someone says and I am in the fetal position begging for mercy and grace.  That is truth!

I am all things. I am confident. I am loving. I am kind. I am generous. I am a generator of Light. I am a cheerleader for the Divinity within. However I am also human. I am also frightened. I am also angry. I am also petty.

The thing is when I find myself being those so-called “negative“ emotions or qualities, I choose to dig deeper.  There’s a reason I’m succumbing to a baser aspect of myself. I look at me. I look to the Divine within me to show me how to love myself in this less than desirable space.

And it’s work people. Doing family of origin work is hard!  For me it often manifests as self-loathing and isolation. It’s not as simple as reciting an affirmation or praying it away. All those things are helpful but my experience has been that I have to be willing to look at whatever it is I’ve been subconsciously suppressing. 

I have to repeat to myself, I know I’m angry, I know I’m sad, I know I’m in self-loathing, I know I’m afraid, I also know I’m Birthing the Light (first blog post). (  https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?rinli=1&pli=1&blogID=6581560385965286902#editor/target=post;postID=1249090737562032802;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=14;src=postname ) And if I keep going through this most uncomfortable place, I will come out the other side wiser, softer with more space to hold and embody the Divinity that I truly am when it is not masked by triggers from old events coloring how I see and feel what is occurring in the now.

I used to hate dark nights of the soul. I judged myself as less than for having them especially since I’ve had such close encounters with the Divine.

And now, while I don’t necessarily like them, I have enough experience with them to know that they are just aspects of me that need to be invited into the Light of who I am. They hold nuggets of wisdom if I am willing to admit that I am not afraid of the dark. The Divine is present in ALL things. ALL things!

Whether we choose to embrace our darkness and temper it with our Love or give it full expression in a harmful way to ourselves and others is our free will choice. Do not kid yourself into believing  that this darkness is some outside force controlling you, absolving you of your choices. It is but an aspect of you, perhaps implanted by another’s cruelty, but still yours to accept into the light or to reject. That is at the core of humanity, our right to choose. It is not that the dark or the Light are good or bad. It is our choice whether to act from a place of Love or to act in a heinous manner that determines our level  of acceptance of the Divinity within.

I listened to lots of podcasts and watched YouTubes, and read lots of inspirational words from spiritual teachers this past week to help me address the darkness that had arisen in me. And someone said, I can’t remember who, that we are undergoing a collective release of fear with this COVID-19 crisis. That so resonated with me. It makes sense that a collective release of fear might just bring up in me whatever fearful, dark thing I may still have buried down deep inside. This is their opportunity to come out of the shadows and be loved and accepted into the wholeness of who I consciously know I am and choose to be.

The Art: Death

The Death Mask. Death. Such a scary word. I believe it is the thing of which we are most afraid. Most of us can’t have a conversation about death with those we love. My personal beliefs have taught me that my Soul will discard this beautiful vessel that is housing it at the moment and return to the Wholeness of All That Is. 

The death I speak of today, or through this mask, is not that death. The big one! I speak of all those little deaths we go through throughout our lives and especially with each Dark Night of the Soul we are privileged to experience. Each Dark Night of the Soul allows us to release back into the Light and Love of the Divine that which no longer serves just as we do at the end of this physical embodiment. Dark Nights of the Soul are practice for the ultimate surrender. It is a form of life review while still in the body. It’s an opportunity to choose who we are, who we’ve been, and who we choose to Be.

One of my favorite hymns is Be Not Afraid, “I go before you always. Come follow me and I will give you rest.” I’ve included a link to a YouTube video of this song recorded during this pandemic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RF0DIpFOoBg&t=20s It behooves us to remember that we are never alone and our Soul knows exactly what we need in each moment. May we all walk each other home acknowledging our fear yet transcending it and returning to the Love we know ourselves to be.

HONORING AND HEALING OF THE MOTHERS AND BRENDA'S ANGELVERSARY

Today is the Angelversary of our dear friend and Soulsister Brenda Bollman Baker. BBB, as we fondly refer to her and one of the many signs she shares with us to let us now she is still right here

Today is also the day before Mother’s Day. A day fraught with intense feelings. Some of joy and delight at having the opportunity to celebrate our mothers still in the body. And this year even that has been made difficult for those still in self quarantine.

However, today the focus is first and foremost on the Divine Mother, the Divine Feminine. For the Mother resides in all of us man or woman. She is a giver of life. She is the Creator and in this we are the Face of the Divine. Today’s drumbeat is meant as a healing and honoring of the mothers, all mothers and memories of mothers that reside within us. May it soothe your Soul.

Today we remember the mothers whose children are in Spirit. Be sensitive. These days painful for them. Today we remember and honor the sons and daughters of those mothers who are in Spirit. Be mindful. This is a weekend to just get through.

Let us honor and remember and ask for healing for the mothers who have lost children to miscarriage, infertility or abortion. They are hurting.

We honor the children with mothers who are or were unavailable due to emotional distancing or drug addiction or abuse or any number of reasons. We honor the mothers who birthed children from violence. We honor and ask for healing whatever your birth experience.

We honor the children and the mothers separated at the border and put in cages or deported. We ask that they receive as much of the love that we can muster as a group today as they possibly are able to.

We honor the Aunties, the sisters, the birth mothers, the adoptive mothers; those of you that step into the role of mother because your heart tells you to.

And today, we honor my friend Brenda. Brenda was not in my physical life for very long but she packed a wallop. She made a difference in my life and the life of so many of her tribe in Souls Awakening. A group she began after her spiritual awakening. I got to know Brenda intimately through a small subset of Souls Awakening she named, Desert Classic. Five of us would meet regularly for the last two years she was in the body. Our weekends together were filled with laughter, tears, healing. I would also often stop by on my way to and from California. From the moment I met her, our relationship was intense. On some level she knew she did not have much time on earth. And there was no time to waste.

Two years ago this week some of us from Souls Awakening gathered in Sedona with Brenda. It turned out to be an opportunity for those of us who had grown to love her, to say goodbye. We laughed, we cried, we healed, we held ceremony. She held court. Queen that she is she held court. And it was magnificent. And difficult. And sad. And joyous.

One of the things we did, because all of us in Souls Awakening are curious about the afterlife, is write down codewords on a small slip of paper, rolled them into a scroll and placed them in a purple velvet bag. The idea was that Brenda, once on the other side, would reveal our code words to us in some fashion and boy did she! And continues to. People who never met her, put out a code word after her transition and the words or image were revealed to them.

The only ones who knew these words were those of us who wrote them. Brenda never had the opportunity to read them while in the body as she was declining quickly.

Brenda, and so many of our loved ones, pop in all the time to reassure us that they are well; that they love us and; that we are going to be OK too. They also come to us to resolve unfinished business. Always, in my experience, is the desire for healing and a more profound connection.

Brenda popped in at 3am earlier this week. She wanted to make sure we got this right. I spent about half an hour taking photos so that I could create an event on facebook. I didn’t like any of them. Finally she whispered in my ear, you already have it. It was the picture I posted of her hands, Lynette’s, hands, Valerie’s hands and my hands clasped over her heart. She tells me this is not about her, even though she loved the limelight. This is about that force that drew us together in Sedona that week. It is about that force that guided Brad, Rachel, Valerie, Lynette and I in those last days. It is about a Love so grand it transcends boundaries, dimensions, laws. It is a Love so profound it makes us family whether we are related by blood or not. It connects each and every one of us to each other.

So again we honor and remember and ask for healing for our Divine Mother. We ask for healing for our Earth Mother. And we ask for healing for each and everyone of you, for you each carry the DNA and ancestral lineage of your mother in your cell structure. She created life, your mother. She shared her body with you. It is a unique experience carrying a child in our bodies and even if you’ve never given birth you’ve experienced it from the inside out. Men too.  Whatever your feelings regarding your mother and your role as mother, we honor you. We thank you for giving life to each and everyone on the planet.

I believe that if each of us traced our ancestry back back back, we would eventually arrive at the Source for we are ALL children of the Divine whether we believe it or not and we ALL return to the Source when our time here is done.

Let’s drum...

https://www.facebook.com/raven.soulsister.14/videos/593143314893887/?t=2

LOVE AND LIGHT BRIGADE

Love and Light Brigade

Creation

     

I read something yesterday that triggered something in me and I felt some sort of way. The person was referring to the love and light brigade and pretty much berating and judging them for their way of coping with this pandemic. Deciding they have their head in the sand and blah blah blah for a long time.

Anyway, it made me stop and look inward because I kind of consider myself one of those light and love people (if I must label myself) and I was offended. Generalizations were made about those kinds of people and you know what happens when we generalize a whole segment of the population.

What I came to understand about myself as a person who chooses to see what is in the way of me being a more loving presence to myself and to others is that filters of past experiences sometimes get in the way and I fail miserably. I can be judgey, gossipy, superior and oh so many more. The difference for me is I’m aware of this tendency and I choose consciously to change that behavior in me! In me! For I can only change it in me. I can then turn around and share with you IF interested in how I made the journey from self-loathing to Love. And as Iyanla Van Zandt says, “Call a thing a thing!” Whenever we are pointing a finger at someone else in a superior, I am smarter than you because kind of way, YOU, my friend, are in self-loathing.

I don’t tackle the challenges in my life with light and love because I am in denial about my situation or because I’m superior. I do it because it works for me! Love and Light = the Divine = Intelligence = Source = Something Greater than Myself. It is the force that allows the flowers to grow through concrete. It’s the force that allows trees to know when to shed their leaves, when to bloom, when to bear fruit. I call this force the Divine because all the other words are so charged for me and for others. Assumptions are made so easily based on a word. Dismissal occurs in an instant. So call it what works for you, God, Jesus, the Universe, Buddha, Allah, Jehovah. No judgement here.

I don’t want to get into arguments about why the COVID-19 is here or it’s meaning or any of those things that can distract from the fact that it is here. And let’s face it, we are all a little bit narcissistic. How does this affect me? What is going to happen to me? What is going to happen to me and mine? But hopefully once we have gone there, we can look out and say, now what?

Who do I choose to be in this new challenge? Am I going to be a person that looks at others and judges them. Or am I going to remember that sometimes when I’m frightened and facing the unknown,  I lash out, I shut down, I overeat, I might even hoard a little bit, maybe chocolate 😉). This doesn’t mean I have to agree with another’s behavior but I can understand.

We’ve all seen the stories of people (mothers/fathers) whose loved one has been murdered, going to the prison to forgive their child’s murderer. Sometimes after we get over our shock, we are touched by their bravery and courage and wonder how they can do that. And we admire them. So why can’t we do that on a global level? Why can’t we forgive ourselves and each other, even though WE ARE ALL Children of the Divine, for acting like buffoons sometimes? Why can’t we admire each other for choosing to be a loving presence instead of a divisive force?

When I offer my drumming sessions or guided meditations and prayers, it isn’t because I think it will make the “bad” situation go away. It’s because I’m offering tools that have helped me cope when I’ve been scared, alone and uncertain of the future. And in offering what might help others helps me to cope in that moment too.

Is the virus here to offer us a spiritual awakening or reset? I don’t know. Who truly does? All I know is that it is providing one for those interested in that journey. And it is giving our earth a much-needed opportunity for respite and rest.

So be gentle Children of the Divine acting like idiots and I include myself in this description for we are all in this together. We are inter-dependent. We need each other. All of us, together. We also need our earth for survival. I, for one, am going to tame my narcissistic tendencies with all the love and light I can muster. Love and light to all of you. Accept it or reject it. Your choice.

THE ART: Creation

I created this mask in the 90's. I didn’t sign or date things back then because they were just my personal tools for healing. I never dreamed I would share them in this way. I took this photo in August 2019. Thank you iPhone. I’m just sad it’s such a poor photo. I was so intrigued by the shadow I didn’t notice I had cut the top off of the mask.

I created this mask at a time when I was struggling with disordered eating and a friend was struggling with a child addicted to drugs and another with her addiction to relationships. In other words addiction. This mask represents our wounded selves crying out into this big old world where we didn’t quite fit in. This was my soul telling me the earth/world, The Divine loved me no matter what I was experiencing at my own hand or had experienced at someone else’s.

I love the symbolism of this photo. And that it rests above my Wizard of Oz lamp (flying monkeys and all). We are all wounded beings. If we won the parent lottery and were not traumatized in childhood, then it’s possible we have been traumatized at some point in life. If you were on the planet during 9/11 you were traumatized collectively. Life as we knew it changed forever. This pandemic is a collective trauma. We are all deserving of kindness and yes, love and light, as we try to cope with our fear, our anger, our grief.

This mask represents how I see us right now. One big screaming mouth. Differing views and opinions. A cacophony of sound. The shadow no longer lurking in the background but risen to the surface in a loud primal scream of fear, anger, sadness, grief, longing.

So yeah, I’m going to give that screaming baby some nourishment and that, my friends, begins with love and light followed by action from that place of higher consciousness.

ON PAIN

                                   The Mask of Pain                     

UPDATE at the end of this post:

5/01/2019

Pay Attention Inward Now. So says Iyanla Van Zant.  It has worked very well with emotional pain. I have paid attention to my emotional pain for many years trying to heal trauma from childhood wounds, disordered eating. I have felt physical pain from scrapes, falls, childbirth, surgeries, scleroderma, shingles and toothaches. But never have I felt this pain. This take your breath away, can’t figure out where or how to be pain. This pain is harder to pay attention to yet it levels me. I can do nothing but be present in my body when the pain is present. This body,  from which I have spent much of my life disassociating and whose needs I’ve been working to transcend, has brought me smack dab into its holy presence. Totally, fully, unapologetically. Pay Attention Inward Now, indeed!

And because I am who I am as a Soul and as a human I can’t help but ask myself in between the spaces of pain; what are you trying to tell me? I am listening. You have my attention. I’m here now. Right now. And I wait and I ride out the waves of pain and I notice.

I notice the anxiety in my husband‘s eyes. I notice the concern in my mother’s. She asked if she could rub my head and shoulders. She often did this when I was a child when the pain of fists and feet hitting flesh was too often the order of the day. I didn’t know I craved that touch, that nurturing. She lays in bed and rubs my head and my back and for a moment all is well. I notice that I can’t distract myself from my pain by helping someone else because my body won’t allow that anymore.

I notice that I’m asking for what I need more clearly and more directly for I no longer have time to waste on people pleasing or insecurity or being fiercely independent to prove I don’t need anyone. Truth is I do. I notice that I am crying more easily now than I have in a long long time. I no longer produce tears due to Sjrogen’s but my eyes get wet and I have gut wrenching sobs that feel good and moves the pain along.

I notice I feel vulnerable. I notice I feel humbled by this process. I notice I feel raw and naked and want to hide. Isolate and hide is what I have done most of my life. So here I sit humbled by an emotional and physical pain so massive it has me on my knees.

I pull out all of my tools. I try meditation, reconnective healing, all the modalities I’ve ever learned. I try writing, repeating mantras and still the pain persists. I call my friends, I call my family. I ask for help. It is hard to ask for help. Did I mention that I am fiercely independent? I prefer to experience my pain in privacy. We ride the wave together. I am not alone.

I start to notice that people love me and care about me. I start to notice that I love me and care about me. I start to notice that my team, my Spirit  team, Jesus, the Divine Mother, Archangels Michael and Rafael, my beloved ones on the other side are all pulling for me. I start to notice that in my pain I am not alone. I notice I am still Love. I am still loved.

And eventually, the pain subsides for a bit and I notice that I want to live harder, love more, be more present with the ones I encounter. I notice how grateful I am to be pain free. I notice that I no longer take this body for granted. I notice that my soul and my human body are coexisting, making peace with each other. No longer at war. No longer feeling invaded. I am One with both my human body and my Soul, my God Self. Who knew that pain could produce peace, gratitude, love, grace?

Pain has no mercy. It consumes you. I am familiar with pain. It is been a friend, a constant companion. From emotional, physical, mental and spiritual pain of my own to witnessing my son deal with his challenges and the pain caused by 14 surgeries and dealing with the effects of his living with spina bifida, I have known pain. Not to mention all the loved ones I’ve been privileged and honored to hold space for as they endured their pain. Pain was always something to get rid of, from which to get away. It was to be avoided at all costs. And yet here I am.

The pain is so debilitating. I sometimes can’t function. And yet, I ask, what do I need to see, hear, feel? And I hear; just be. Just be here now. Love yourself to the best of your ability. Allow others to love you. And I know that this too shall pass. When the pain does pass I feel such gratitude to have less pain or no pain. I feel like I want to hurry up and do what I didn’t get done while I was down with the pain. I’m learning to pace myself, to slow down. Because if I don’t, I create more pain because I overdid. Balance. I’m learning to balance. For a woman who has spent her life trying to get back in her body and be present there is no escaping it these days. There is no disassociating (my self-help tools have worked too well for that to happen) there is only being present, in this moment, in this breath, knowing that all is well and all will be well.

I move from my bed, to the sofa, to the guestroom bed looking to find relief from the pain. I call my soul sisters, my healing sisters, my family. They surround me like elephants do for a birthing mother, trumpeting their love for me, their healing prayers and thoughts for me, protecting me from my own negativity and tendency towards isolation. I find comfort in their presence. I find comfort in the touch of my mother’s hand on my head and back. I find comfort in knowing that this too shall pass. And it does, in between doses of medication it passes or eases and I am able to function again. I am filled with gratitude for the mercy and grace shown me first and foremost by my Creator, by my Spirit team, and all my loved ones. I am held in Light until I again am reminded that even with the pain I Am the Light. I am a child of the Divine. I am still here. I am still present. I am dancing with the Divine as I ride the waves of pain.

Oh such blessed relief when it eases or disappears. Such mercy. Such grace. And I know in my heart all is well. All will be well for I am Love. I am bathed in Love. I exude Love. I radiate Love. It is my essence. It is my core. I came here not to transcend my physical body but to embrace it, to embody it, to choose Love no matter the circumstances.

My condition is teaching me that I can no longer say yes when I mean no. I can no longer people please. I started saying yes to that which scares me. I can no longer chase people and beg them to love me. I can no longer hide or operate in the shadows. I can no longer worry about what people might think. Brene Brown writes so eloquently in her book on vulnerability, Daring Greatly, about Theodore Roosevelt and his Man in the Arena speech and I am reminded of those words. I have entered the arena. I am no longer the critic sitting in the stands judging my efforts as less than. I am in the arena! I Am daring greatly!

I must risk being vulnerable. I must risk being seen and heard. I must break down the walls of separation I erected to protect myself from pain. There is no protection from pain. There is only Love. I can only be in this moment, in this breath, in this body with this Spirit, with this spark of the Divine that I Am. I choose Love. I will always and in all ways choose Love.

UPDATE 05/01/2020: I wrote and posted to Facebook this piece entitled, On Pain, one year ago today. I was newly diagnosed with Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension. The diagnosis and prognosis were scary. The medications were debilitating which prompted me to write this piece. I am reprising it today first to update you on where I am today on my journey with pain. Second, to put it on my blog as I did not have a blog last year. That is one of the things that has grown out of that moment in my life. I now say yes to scary things. I have finally titrated the medicines and feel much stronger and healthier than I felt a year ago. I still need oxygen for exertion but I take walks, I ride my stationary bike 45 minutes several times a week. And until this Quarantine slowed my roll, I traveled a lot. I needed a Sherpa to help cart all my gear but I did not let my diagnosis stop me. I have made new friends in my support groups and I have strengthened all my relationships. I have a team of doctors with which I am happy, comfortable and that I trust. I feel so blessed. So filled with gratitude. I still have pain. I still have days when I need to rest and slow down but nothing like what I wrote about last year.

I am living with this diagnosis. Truly living. Not just existing. Not just surviving. I am thriving. I thank each and everyone of you for encouraging my writing, my artwork, my self expression in all it’s forms.

I chose the Mask of Pain to accompany this reprise. I created it about 30 years ago. It hangs with 5 other masks I created during the years I first started dealing with the physical, emotional and sexual abuse that was a part of my history. The masks in the series have individual names but I have not come up with a name for the grouping. Masks of Shame comes up for that’s what I was masking but it feels so negative almost 30 years later. For while they masked shame, pain, anger, grief, sadness and the clown it also masked Love. So much Love buried underneath all those masks.

I had no art training, had never painted or picked up a paintbrush. Spirit told me I could transform my pain into something beautiful. I consider these pieces much as an artist looks at line drawings. Very simple. Very basic. Primitive. They convey an idea, an emotion. To me, they were my wounded child speaking in the only way she could at that time. Since then I have studied art (I returned to college in my fifties), learned new techniques, got super confused by rules and what I was doing with art. I finally found a way to integrate what was inherently needing to be expressed with the new information I was gathering in my classes and in my inner work.

This diagnosis has given me the freedom to go public with my experience. The pain freed me to live my truth regardless of how it looked to me or to anyone else. Between the autoimmune diseases and the PAH, I don’t know that I will ever be pain free, but I know that I am free. I am free to be loving and compassionate first and foremost to myself. I am free to be forgiving of those who hurt me when I was a child. I now know they were doing the best they could in that moment. I now know my Soul and my human worked together to choose Love in unlovable circumstances. I now know I am not a victim. I never was. I’m just a Soul having a human experience. And sometimes it’s painful.

GO FORTH AND MINISTER

She Who Speaks Wisdom-Sunflower Goddess

History will not look kindly on you. I often hear people saying this to our nation‘s leaders, leaders of corporations and those in positions of authority. I cringe every time I hear it. It triggered me on some level. So I decided to dig deeper. Who cares how history will view us? I wonder why we care more about how “history“ will look upon us than how we look at ourselves in this moment. I am here in this moment now. The question I ask is, how does one look at the disparity all around them and look in the mirror and be OK with that.

If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. Another question I ask is; am I doing enough? If someone were to ask me, will history look kindly on you, I would hope that I have lived a life where I could answer that in the affirmative. But truly, I don’t care so much about a legacy as I do about who I am being in each and every moment of this existence.

Most of my life has been about survival. Surviving my childhood, surviving the traumas of every day life, and when I wasn’t surviving I was thriving. When I was thriving, I was ministering. One to one, sometimes to small groups; but always asking how can I serve?

I wanted to become a minister of some sort, but having been raised Catholic I could not always wrap my brain around a woman as a minister (that s**t runs deep), nor could I find a doctrine or religion that could encompass my relationship with the Divine. It seemed my Native bloodline and my Iberian Peninsula bloodline were forever at war in me.

I am influenced by my roots – my Latina, Native, and Catholic roots. I have had to meld them into a Spirituality that feeds my Soul. It entailed connecting to that still small voice inside. It entailed fanning the spark of the Divine into a full fledged flame of passion. I could best connect to Source one on one. That still small voice awakens me at night. That still small voice encourages me to write, to paint, to create. That still small voice listens as I pour out my heartache. It listens when I pour forth my joy and gratitude. And if I get really, really quiet, I hear it’s wisdom, I feel it’s peace. I feel nourished by the effort to achieve a silent state.

In my daily journal practice, I speak to this voice inside and wait for wisdom which is almost always forthcoming. And sometimes there’s just silence. I sit with that for THIS is where the real gifts reside.

Many years ago, when I was yet again bemoaning the fact that I could not find the correct place for the study of my divinity and becoming a minister, a friend of mine, Dianne, said to me, “Raven, you don’t need permission to minister. All you need is God’s permission and that you have! Go forth and minister”. From that moment forward I no longer looked for permission to minister. Miriam-Webster defines the word minister as giving aid and service. My friend Dianne was right! I can do that! Dianne is in Spirit now. Gone much too soon. I will be forever grateful for her willingness to share her truth with me. It changed my life. I stopped worrying about what others would think. I stopped asking for permission not just to minister but to BE whoever and whatever I chose in any given moment.

I wake up every morning and my prayer is how may I serve? Sometimes it’s one on one. Sometimes it’s a group. Sometimes it's an act I perform for someone. Sometimes it’s the words I write or the phone call I make. Sometimes it’s sitting in the stillness. Sometimes it’s praying with my drum or through my movement.

This COVID-19 quarantine has taken me even deeper into looking at where I still may be holding on to belief systems that no longer serve. I find the pockets of disharmony and I notice. I breathe and I notice some more. I allow myself to sit in the discomfort, my history tells me that when I do, disharmony becomes Grace, Mercy, Peace, Gratitude. This solitary time has allowed me to become creative in my ministering. I’ve learned to use technology and platforms I never before had a desire to use.

In the silence, I hear these words:

"Be not afraid to sit in the silence even if you have designated the time for talking. It is in these moments that you can assist in anchoring in more love, more peace, more light, more gratitude. Try to not hang on to structure and schedules. Be present to and in the moment. The schedule and structure will adapt and adjust as will you. For you are resilient."

Let me tell you about the art. I've named her Sunflower Goddess -She Who Speaks Wisdom 
Continually striving to strike a balance between action and stillness. I created this piece in the 90’s. At the time it was representative of my connection to Source, to my higher self, and to the still small voice I was still doubting. Over the years it has become my friend, my solace. I trust it implicitly.

Even though it has become a cliche (most most truths do) I know myself to be a spiritual being having a human experience. I believe my Spirit is here, not to subjugate my human, but to co-create and work in conjunction with each other so that as a human, I exemplify the qualities of Grace, Mercy, Gratitude, Honesty, Humility, Integrity and Love.

So when someone says how will history look at you? I say, I don’t care. I want to know how you and I will serve today. When I hear, history will not look kindly on you, yes I cringe. I only have this moment to be this Spirit in this human body and I don’t want to waste it anymore concerning myself with legacy, mine or anyone else’s. I wish to be present to myself and every human being I encounter. I choose to be generous with my mind, with my heart, with my spirit. I may not always agree with someone else, however, I choose to see that they, too, are a child of The Divine. I may have to love them at a distance but I don’t have to judge them or see them as less than me because I don’t agree with them. Go forth and minister, indeed! That means starting with me.

PRIVILEGE

I am appalled by my privilege.

Privilege is when you think something is not a problem because it is not a problem to you personally.

I recently read the book, The Undocumented Americans by Karla Cornejo Villavicencio.   http://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H73JSTJ/ref=tsm_1_tp_tc  Even though I am a woman of color, labeled a senior citizen, labeled disabled because I have a medical condition that requires the use of oxygen, I am appalled by my privilege. Reading this book I felt sad. I felt outraged. I felt helpless. I felt powerless. But mostly I felt the weight of my privilege. The privilege I enjoy because I was born on the “correct“ side of the border by 40 miles. The privilege that has come to me because my parents, who were dirt poor in their childhood and in the early years of mine, took advantage of the opportunities presented to them and created space and opportunities for me to grow in my privilege.

I know poverty and the violence that comes with it. I grew up with it in my home and it is steeped in my DNA. It was an ancestral legacy passed down from generation to generation. I know trauma brain. I also know abundance because my parents also passed down a legacy of hard work and taking advantage of opportunity. That is a privilege I had because of the work ethic my parents modeled. My parents became in my later childhood years what one would call middle class. And again I was afforded the privilege that comes with that.

I read the stories in Karla‘s book and I am sickened at the cruelty we humans can inflict on one another. I am ashamed of my privilege at the same time that I am grateful for my parents, my husband, my own hard work at achieving a measure of privilege. I am forever changed by this book. It touched me on so many levels. The poverty.  The Love. The cruelty. The Love. The mental illness created by trauma. The Love.

In this era in which we are living where the color of your skin makes you suspect, I have a modicum of fear. But I have a passport. Even if detained I can prove I was born here. I cannot begin to entertain the level of fear endured by those who have lived, worked, paid taxes in this country for most of their lives and yet are expendable.

It isn’t that I wasn’t aware of what has been taking place in this country. And it has definitely been in our face for the last four years. But I must have numbed myself because it was too overwhelming to contemplate this reality for too long. I don’t know really. I can excuse it and say I had a child with a serious medical condition to raise. I was distracted. Perhaps. But I can no longer deny this ugly, ugly side of the American dream.

Karla’s words, the pictures she paints with words, are seared in my brain. I can no longer look away or numb myself.

I want to do more. What can a 66 year old “senior citizen“, brown-skinned woman on oxygen do? I don’t want to just put this book on the shelf and forget about it. I want everyone to read it. I want white people and privileged people of color to read it. I dare you to not be moved by the horror in which we are participating. And we are. For once you know, you can’t unknow, as @Oprah once stated. Read this book, please. Read it with an open mind. Allow it to shift your consciousness so that we may never again be OK with putting men, women and children in cages. That we may never again be OK with separating children from their parents. As Karla states in her book, the trauma brains we are creating will affect generations of men, women and children. We can’t afford to lose the talent that is being obliterated by our unwillingness to see those we have deemed unworthy and expendable.

All people have a right to dignity, respect, acknowledgment. People we are better than this. We are better than this.

Not being able to walk in someone else’s shoes is privilege.Take a walk in someone else's shoes. Read this book. Share this post. /Share this website.

SACRED CONNECTION

Yesterday morning I went live on Facebook with drumming and a message from Spirit. It was a big leap of faith for me. I was nervous and a little scared and all my self-doubts came up. Who do I think I am? What good is this going to do? Then I remembered that we all have to do our part during this pandemic. I am not a medical professional. I will not be on the front lines. My work is not considered essential at this time. So what can I do? I can be a voice in the wilderness. I can be the voice of encouragement. I can listen. I can share the beat of my drum with you. I can donate to food banks. I can check in on neighbors. We can do hard things. We’re not all being asked to be on the front lines. We’re being asked to shelter in place. We’re being asked to be kind to one another.

For those of you who joined me yesterday, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hold space and to connect with me and with each other. Thank you for holding space for you, your family and your community. Holding space is nothing more than listening, listening with your heart.

In this time of what I am calling the Great Unknown or as my brother calls it, the Great Unifier; during this time of Spring, Easter and Passover, when our consciousness is aligned with matters of the Spirit, I ask that you accept and receive the Rebirth and Resurrection that this time of year represents regardless of how you worship.

We are so connected by this thing that we cannot see. This invisible virus that is wreaking havoc with our physical bodies, our emotions, our finances, and in every aspect of the world in which we live. Life is changing so quickly our collective head is spinning. Yet we find that we are in this together. This endurance test of isolation and fear and anxiety is creating common ground. It is something upon which we can all agree.

And just as this invisible force of a virus has created a connection of fear/anxiety, we can use an invisible force to combat that and create a new connection. That force is Love.

Love works like a web to connect us to each other and to all of creation, to All That Is. Love encompasses the qualities of kindness, joy, gratitude, peace, generosity.

I invite you to visit my Facebook page and allow yourself to connect to the best of the drum   https://www.facebook.com/raven.soulsister.14/videos/574174410124111/ . Allow your heart to open to the love that you are. Allow your heart to open to the Oneness that we all share. See that expanding from your heart out into the group that will read this blog or watch the drumming video. See it expanding out into your community, into your city, into your state, your neighboring states, the whole continent, into neighboring countries and across the seas. See this web of love that we are creating encompass all that exists and will ever exist.

As we acknowledge our fears and anxieties I encourage you to just notice them (without feeling the need to fix them) and we are reminded of the healing that is also taking place. 

The Earth, our Mother, is reclaiming herself. We are seeing reports of cleaner skies over Wuhan, endangered sea turtles laying eggs by the thousands, skies are clearing and the Himalayas are visible. We see, as Mr. Rogers’ mother once told him, “the helpers” running into the firestorm. A Rebirth is taking place and each and everyone can do their part by staying home, lending a hand, lending an ear, connecting with one another. We may not all be deemed essential to leave our homes, however, we are all essential for the restoration and recovery of our planet, the people, animal life, plant life and water on it.

I ask that we hold space for those on the front lines. The healthcare workers. Our food suppliers. Our truckers. Our grocery store clerks and stockers. Our people working in plants and in the fields packaging and harvesting our food. Our unseen people. Our homeless brothers and sisters who have no home in which to shelter. Our undocumented people who are often at the front lines yet unseen or unaccounted for.

I ask that you imagine branches and a root system extending from your heart and throughout your body connecting you to those you love. Your family, your friends, your coworkers. Imagine their hearts opening to receive this wonderful web of light and love. See it take root and flower and expand outward from them to their loved ones, their friends and their coworkers. And so on and so on and so on in an ever expanding net of connectivity. See your heart connecting to every living being on this planet creating an even stronger net of connection.

Just as this virus is contagious so is this Love with a capital L. This Love that represents the Creator and all of her Creation.

The earth does not need us to cleanse herself. She is already doing that. She needs us to respect her. She needs us to respect that which she provides for those of us who are here only temporarily. She will continue to exist in one form or another. We are here to be Love, to be Compassion, to be Kindness, to be Inclusive, to be Generous!!! Not just with those we love but with those we find hard to love. For there is where the challenge lies. THAT, as my friend Suzie Myers said, is where the Light is birthed.

Let THAT Love radiate from our hearts. See it envelop every single being on the planet, every animal, plant, tree and living organism. May our Love grow and expand as we take care of each other.  Real care. And look to see where you can be a helper. Where can you donate money locally. Check out your local food banks. Find a family to adopt and help out. Leave a roll of toilet paper on your neighbor's doorstep. No act performed with Love and Kindness is too small. In the comments, post links to organizations that you believe are helping during this time of crisis in our world.

This Recovery, Rebirth, Resurrection will take a grassroots Revolution of Kindness and Generosity. We cannot wait for our leaders to catch up. We can reach out to our communities through our own efforts. How can you serve while you shelter in place?

I believe this is the true message of this season. I’ve had people mention that their Lenten season had been disrupted. Spirit tells me that this Lenten season we have been asked to give up so much more than chocolate or soda. We have been asked to sacrifice for others so that they may be safe.We have been asked to sacrifice time with our children, grandchildren, parents and extended family. These are the sacrifices that hurt us at our core setting the stage for a softening and appreciation for what we may have taken for granted. We have been asked to be the Living Christ and to step out of the behavior that created the crucifixion in the first place. The fear of someone that was other than the norm. It is fear of others, fear of those we perceive as different that leads us to accuse and persecute. Jesus was considered other during his time on this planet. Step out of that in yourself. Step away from that place of judgement and see the Christ in those whom you perceive as less worthy of acceptance and care. Perhaps you will see the Christ reflected back to you.

To be honest I am feeling that the Lenten season is more front and center than ever before. For me this time of year has been about the Christ being Resurrected in each one of us and living that. I feel that happening. More people are reaching out for what is real in them and in others. We are learning to become vulnerable with each other because we have been forced into vulnerability.

AND take a deep breathe, my friends and family.  We were born for this. We are capable of generating so much Love and holding so much space that those on the front lines are free to do their jobs knowing that we are doing ours. So that those working on solutions might see our efforts and be inspired to see things differently. Holding space creates safety and when one feels safe new solutions and ideas burst forth. Creativity abounds. Align yourself with the heartbeat of the drum. Allow it to align you with the heartbeat of our Mother, our Earth. Let us all heal together. Let us all embody the message of Resurrection and Rebirth. And may we all aspire to living the Christ Consciousness in word and deed.